my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
she told me i tasted like america
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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