I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
