Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
