i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
