im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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