3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
