She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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