why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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