using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Randomize
