Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
