if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
