Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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