Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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