Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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