you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
