I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
