I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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