He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
