Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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