life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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