Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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