He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
