sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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