eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
