I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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