I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Randomize
