TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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