when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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