I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
