I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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