just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
