he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
