well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
