I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize