The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
We're too hungover to prance.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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