Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
my liver is dry heaving
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
