I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
