how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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