went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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