Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
