farters have to be the big spoon...
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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