I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
