so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
