8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
