Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
