Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
The best revenge is premature balding
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
