Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
