dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
