I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
