4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Randomize
