do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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