the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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