I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
