Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
