Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
She swung at the pinata with crutches
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
