I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
