So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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