She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
