Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
