I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
