I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
