the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
