Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
